


First Rule: Spies Don't Get Attached

by bilgegungoren00



Series: Rules of Being A Spy [1]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, F/M, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Kara is a CIA agent, Mon-El is a civilian, prepare for angst, spy AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-30 01:19:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,556
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11453007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bilgegungoren00/pseuds/bilgegungoren00
Summary: She could still remember Mon-El’s face the first moment she told him she was an undercover agent of the CIA, tasked to protect him, and he put the puzzle pieces together to realize that their relationship was based on a lie.Or, in which Kara has been posing as Mon-El's girlfriend as an undercover agent, yet when her cover is blown and she realizes the feelings she'd been faking might be not-so-fake, she doesn't know what to do.Karamel Spy AU - Part 1





	First Rule: Spies Don't Get Attached

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys!!!
> 
> Okay, so I was so not planning to post this today, so I guess I could say....SURPRISE!!! But anyway, I legit had spent the whole day writing this, and it's nearing midnight right now and I'm sleepy, so I'm really really sorry if it sucks lol. But this idea has been circling in my head for so long that I just HAD TO write it. And also I might've been binge-watching Chuck for the last couple of weeks, so I'm kind of obsessed with spies right now, sooooo.......
> 
> Anyway, hope you like this!

Kara had her arms crossed over her chest as she watched Mon-El through the one sided glass. He was sitting in the interrogation room—he’d been there for about half an hour now—with his hand cuffed to the table, fiddling with his cuffs as he stared off at the distance. Sometimes his eyes flickered up to the glass—well, mirror on his side—so much so that she would feel like their gazes met, even though…even though she knew that was impossible. She knew, after being an agent for as long as she could remember, that it was her mind playing tricks on her because of her guilt. Not just for not being able to stop him from getting cuffed like some sort of a criminal, but also…also for tricking him into believing they were dating, that they were _in love,_ for months.

She could still remember Mon-El’s face the first moment she told him she was an undercover agent of the CIA, tasked to protect him, and he put the puzzle pieces together to realize that their relationship was based on a lie. She could almost _pinpoint_ the moment that realization dawned on him…because his steel grey eyes shattered so badly in front of her that she doubted she’d forget that look for a long time to come. And… And that said something, since there were gunned men chasing them and they’d barely made it out with their lives.

She was reminded about that look all over again whenever she saw the hollowness in Mon-El’s face.

She shut her eyes at that as guilt churned in her stomach, tightening her arms around her waist. No matter how much she tried to tell herself that all she did—dating with Mon-El, pretending like she loved him knowing that he’d truly fallen for her, letting him believe that their relationship was read—was to keep Mon-El and everyone else safe… She couldn’t push away her guilt. Because he… He deserved much better than that. He wasn’t the “bad guy” that was hiding a bioweapon CIA suspected that he was when she first got assigned to this mission. He was… He was _such a good man._ He was sweet, and caring, and understanding, he always listened to her problems that she made up about her work, he cooked dinners and breakfasts almost every day, he brought her flowers or gifts just out of the blue because the color of some roses reminded him of her cheeks or he thought that blue plaid shirt would bring out her eyes, he baked her cakes and cookies whenever she craved them, he drew her a bubbled bath when she had an exceptionally bad day, he… He loved her. Most of all, beyond everything he loved her, and Kara knew that he did not because he told her so, but also because he _showed_ her.

Well, he also _did_ tell her all the time, but still…

 _And you said it back,_ she thought to herself, not being able to help her grimace. She’d told him that she loved him too, over and over again, knowing it would hurt him at the end, knowing it was nothing but a lie.

Or was it?

She pushed away that thought immediately after it seeped into her brain. She couldn’t think like that. Her relationship with Mon-El had been purely professional. Nothing more. She was tasked to date him and get information from him, and that was _all_ she’d been doing. The fact that Mon-El had been an amazing boyfriend didn’t change _anything._ It couldn’t. She was a CIA special agent, and her job required her to go from one mission to another with barely any breaks, changing identities so often that even she couldn’t keep track of them. Which meant that she couldn’t get attached to anything or… _anyone_. Not only she’d have to leave them almost every single week without being able to tell them about it, but also… Her feelings might compromise her on those missions. It was easier to put yourself in danger when you had nothing to come back to. But if she ever had someone…if she _loved_ someone… She’d hesitate. She might not be able to make quick decisions, especially if they were too risky, and she couldn’t let that happen. It was the unspoken rule of being a spy: You could never get attached to anything or anyone.

That was why she couldn’t accept that whatever was going on between her and Mon-El could be real. But that didn’t change the fact that it hurt _so much_ to see him heartbroken, especially knowing she was the one that caused it.

“You know you don’t have to be here, right?” She was jerked out of her thoughts with the voice coming from the door. She didn’t even bother turning around to look who came, keeping her eyes on Mon-El, as she’d already recognized the voice. Winn. “Director Henshaw said you could take the day off after what happened.”

Kara could only sigh at that. It wasn’t really surprising that she had a free day after being undercover for months, especially thinking she not only had to fight off four men trying to kidnap Mon-El, but also blow her cover and rush him to the CIA base before he was hurt, which had been a lot of hard work on her part. She’d deserved a day off, she could admit that, but she just… She couldn’t leave Mon-El. She needed to make sure that he was okay, that he was treated right and not like a criminal. She needed to make sure that she was around if he needed anything. If he needed… _her._ As a friendly face.

Though she wondered how friendly he’d view her now.

“I know,” she said as she nodded, uncrossing her arms. “I just… I need to be here for the interrogation.” The lie felt sour on her tongue as she continued, yet what choice did she have? She couldn’t just admit that she was _worried_ about him. “He knows me. If he’s reluctant to talk to other agents, I can interfere, get more information from him than he might want to reveal.” She schooled her features and only inwardly grimaced at the thought as she truly doubted Mon-El would want to speak with her now.

“Are you sure that’s why you want to stay?” Winn asked at that as he walked next to Kara. Kara only briefly glanced at him, seeing that his arms were crossed over his chest, before turning to Mon-El. She didn’t miss they way that he’d started trembling now, no matter how much he’d clenched his fists to stop that, or the way tears were filling his eyes. She wanted to pretend like it was just the dim lighting of the room that caused his eyes to shine, and not the tears, but she knew better than that. Deep down she knew better, and there was no way she could stop the churning in her stomach.

“What are you talking about?” she asked Winn, keeping her voice level to hide her feelings. Fortunately she was good at pretending and lying; one perk of being a spy for years on end. She faked a laugh to show that what he suggested was a ridiculous idea. “Why else would I stay?” Yet Winn didn’t even seem to buy that as he shot her an exasperated look— _of course_ he didn’t buy her excuse. She might’ve been able to trick any other person, even some of the best CIA agents, but not him, not her best friend, who was much more perceptive when it came to her than any other agent even though he was just an analyst. He shrugged nonchalantly.

“Because you care about him,” he answered her question, as if it was the simplest thing in the world. Kara’s eyes snapped at him instinctively, which probably didn’t help with her case. She opened her mouth to object—she was a _professional_ at her job, she did _not_ just fall for her assets—but Winn was faster than her. “Don’t try to deny, Kara. I’m your best friend. I can see it in your eyes.”

“I don’t _care_ about him,” Kara still objected, her tone sounding a bit harsher than she intended. Winn gaped at her disbelievingly at that before she sighed, throwing her arms in the air. “Fine, I care about him, but only because he’s a genuinely good person. He is not involved with Lillian Luthor or the bioweapon as we suspected. I just don’t want him to be grilled for something he didn’t have anything to do with.” She bit the inside of her cheek at that as she crossed her arms, not being able to keep herself from wincing when Mon-El wiped his cheeks furiously, muttering something under his breath that was too quiet for her to hear. He was crying. There was no mistaking the tears in his eyes now. He was crying because of her, because he learned that his relationship with her was built on a lie, because he’d lost something that he trusted and loved with all of his heart. It was even worse than a breakup, Kara knew. If that had been the case, at least he’d know that the relationship they had was real, even though it had ended. Now… Now he’d lost that too. Now he thought that the happiness, the joy, the love they’d experienced together was nothing but a lie.

She couldn’t even _imagine_ how much that must hurt.

She only saw Winn staring at her with arched brows when she managed to snap out of her thoughts, as if asking her whether she was sure of what she said. She sighed yet again. “I’m a professional, Winn. I’ve been to more undercover missions than I can count, sometimes even longer than this. I’ve pretended to be in love with too many guys, and even a couple of girls. And I’ve never fallen for any of them. This…” She glanced at Mon-El, her stomach coiling, chanting _liar, liar, liar_ over and over again, before she continued. “This is no different.” Winn lifted his hands at that, feigning defeat, even though the glint of his eyes told Kara that he knew she was lying. He shook his head.

“Whatever you say. But…” He glanced at Mon-El, who had his mouth covered with his hands as if trying to suppress his sobs and keep himself from shaking, before continuing. “It seems like he’s really fallen for you.” Kara could do nothing other than gulp at that as she stared at Mon-El, her heart cracking every time his shoulders shook, indicating that she wasn’t wrong: He was outright sobbing now. The guy whom she’d barely seen cry was _sobbing,_ tears continuously sliding down his cheeks, because of her.

She tried to ignore the guilt that threatened to render her breathless as the door to Mon-El’s cell opened, revealing Alex, or Agent Danvers, or Kara’s sister and partner in this mission. Since Henshaw didn’t know how long the undercover job would last, he’d assigned the sisters to work together as it would be easier to sell their cover then. Of course, as agents, both Kara and Alex were good at pretending, but that didn’t change the fact that it was extremely hard to fake a sisterly bond. And if Kara had to admit, she was glad that her sister was there and had taken over Mon-El’s interrogation, because not only she didn’t think she could do it herself, but also there was no one she trusted more than Alex Danvers to handle this interrogation. She knew Kara’s thoughts about Mon-El, which meant there was a good chance she wouldn’t act hostile towards him.

Yet Kara wondered briefly whether it really was a good thing Alex was there when she watched Mon-El desperately wipe his cheeks and lift his head, pressing his lips together harshly to keep himself from crying…until shock splashed over his face upon seeing his girlfriend’s sister. Yet it was replaced with pain and anger almost way too quickly.

“Of course,” he snorted, his voice hoarse. Kara assumed it must’ve been because of the sobbing, which…didn’t help her at all. She knew Winn noticed the way she was pressing her lips together and holding her arms tightly, yet she didn’t even care. “I don’t know why I’m surprised Kara’s sister is an agent too.” He stared at Alex for a couple of seconds, watching as the woman’s steps halted briefly, before he turned away. Alex sent an apologetic look at where she supposed Kara was through the glass before she turned to Mon-El and sat across from him.

“Hey, Mon-El,” she said softly, putting her files in front of her. Kara could see that she took a comfortable and relaxed posture, something that she rarely did with prisoners, as she pulled her chair closer to the table. “We’re very sorry for the inconvenience, but we weren’t prepared for someone coming for you.” Kara could almost feel the smile in Alex’s words as she nibbled with her lips, hoping her sister’s openness and genuineness would get Mon-El to open up too. Or at least… At least be less hateful and…less in pain.

Yet all he did was roll his eyes at that, lifting her wrist that had the cuff around it. “Yeah, you seem really sorry,” he said, his voice not even sounding a bit regretful. Though Kara had to give him that right. He just had to watch his life crumble around him. What did she expect he’d be like anyway? Chirpy?

Yeah, right.

She didn’t really know how she looked, she wasn’t trying to school her features, but she’d assumed it must be bad when Winn put a hand on her shoulder and squeezed. She wasn’t even in a place to refuse his support at this point.

“Yeah, let me take care of those.” Alex’s voice took Kara out of her thoughts as the woman leaned forward and unlocked Mon-El’s cuffs. He immediately rubbed his wrist, his gaze trained on the table. Neither him nor Alex said anything for a while, making Kara more and more anxious with every second, until the former broke the silence.

“Why?” Mon-El asked as he lifted his head, his voice breaking mid-sentence, before Alex could say anything. Even Kara could see the way her shoulders slumped. “Why did you do this? Why did the CIA send Kara undercover to be…to be my girlfriend?” He struggled with the last word briefly, even having to stop and recover, in a way that made Kara’s chest squeeze. “I’m… I’m nothing but a normal guy. I have never had a problem with law, I don’t even have a parking ticket, I barely even go out except work and med school, and…and if this is about my family, you should know that I haven’t talked to them ever since they were sent to prison. What could I have possibly done to get into CIA’s radar? Enough for you to send someone to pretend to be my girlfriend?”

 _Oh, Mon-El,_ Kara couldn’t help thinking at his last words. He truly didn’t know how special he was with his normalcy. How Kara wished she had a life like his too…that the life she’d been living with him was real. She wished she could tell him that. She wished she could tell him that for her… He was one of the most special people in the world, and that he didn’t deserve the way the CIA treated him. He didn’t deserve to build a life, a _relationship,_ around a lie and have the rug pulled from right under his feet.

Yet Alex’s answer was much different to Mon-El’s question…which was probably for the best. She pulled out a paper from the file in front of him, and Mon-El’s brows shot up at that. He looked up almost fearfully.

“…Lena?” he said, shaking his head. “What does she have anything to do with this? She’s been dead for months…” His voice trailed off as he seemed to be putting the puzzle pieces together. Remembering that he’d met Kara almost right after Lena had died, how she almost showed up out of nowhere and started working in the café right across from his apartment.

“Lena Luthor had worked for Luthor Corp, her mother’s company, before she was killed,” Alex started explaining, which was probably not news for Mon-El. He just lifted his brows.

“Yeah, but she told me that she quit right before she died. She couldn’t get into detail, but she said she didn’t want to have anything to do with them.” Alex nodded.

“That’s the intel we’d gathered too. Now, we have reason to believe Ms. Luthor left Luthor Corp when she found out that her mother was creating an airborne bioweapon that is strong enough to kill everyone in a thirty mile radius if released.” Surprise had splashed over Mon-El’s face at that as Alex showed him a couple of more files. “We also believe that she stole the weapon from the company before she left, which was the reason Luthor Corp was after her, and the reason she’d been killed. However, we couldn’t find the bioweapon anywhere, even though we’d gone through everything there is about Lena Luthor.” Mon-El blinked at that several times, opening and closing his mouth as if he was trying to process Alex’s words. Well, Kara couldn’t blame him. She might get missions about bioweapons and arms deals and assassination attempts at least once every month, but it required some getting used to before that became someone’s normal. And for Mon-El… It was the first time he probably heard anything about a bioweapon.

“So you’ve been telling me,” he started, his voice shaking, “that my childhood friend’s mother has been working on an extremely dangerous bioweapon? And that said…friend stole that weapon to…”

“To keep it out of Lillian Luthor’s hands, we believe,” Alex completed his sentence, her voice patient and understanding. “Luthor Corp has never been known for their compassion. And as far as I’ve heard from Kara, you always believed that Lena was too good for her mother and that company.” Mon-El winced at the mention of Kara’s name, which only worked to make her feel even worse. She ducked her chin briefly to compose herself, repeating in her head that she was working in CIA, as a special agent no less, and she’d endured stuff much worse than seeing someone she cared about hurt _emotionally._ She’d seen her friends and fellow agents die, she’d had to shoot _and_ kill criminals, she even had to endure a bit of torture every now and then. This… This shouldn’t have been that much of a problem for her.

…and yet, she found that it hurt just as much as other stuff did. The pain she was feeling in the pit of her stomach… It was new to her, but it _hurt_.

“Yeah,” Mon-El confirmed with a nod, swallowing hard. “Yeah, I told her that.” He stared at the file in front of him briefly, trying to process everything Alex had dumped on him, before he shook his head. Honestly, he was taking all of this far better than Kara had imagined, and a part of her couldn’t help being proud of that.

Another part just wanted to wrap him into a tight hug and protect him from the weight and severity of all that information.

“But I still don’t understand how I’m involved in all of this. I know Lena and I were childhood friends, but she never mentioned a… _bioweapon…_ to me.” Confusion twinkled in his eyes at that as he looked up at Alex. Kara could see that there was a lot more he wanted to ask, but talking about the bioweapon was a safe outlet. It wasn’t something personal to him. It couldn’t hurt him, at least not emotionally. It was neutral ground…and he needed neutral ground.

The urge to hug him returned to Kara, stronger this time, as she tried to focus on Alex’s answer.

“You were the last person she contacted before she died. Since the bioweapon disappeared with her, the CIA suspected that she might’ve given it to you.” Realization dawned on Mon-El with those words. He shook his head almost painfully.

“Which was why they sent Kara to be my girlfriend,” he whispered, so quietly that Kara barely heard it. “To find out if I knew anything about it.” Alex only nodded at that, curtly, waiting for Mon-El to continue. Kara nibbled with her bottom lip as she waited for his answer. She knew that he didn’t know anything about the bioweapon. He couldn’t. He was… He was too good to pull a stunt like that, to hide a bioweapon and lie to everyone about it. Besides the fact that he was a horrible liar, he didn’t have the stomach for that. Which was one reason…

Which was one reason Kara had started caring about him in the first place. She couldn’t even lie to herself about it anymore. She cared about him because he wasn’t a spy, he was good, he was honest, he didn’t have the stomach to deal with weapons, killing, or deceiving, he was…he was too pure for his own good.

“I’m…” he started, shaking his head. “I’m sorry to disappoint you, but Lena never gave me a bioweapon. She’d know… She’d know I would never be able to hide it.” He closed his eyes and dropped the file on the table, laughing almost hysterically. “Though you must’ve heard that from Kara too, right? That I was a horrible liar, and I could never touch any weapon, let alone something as deadly as…that thing you’re talking about? Or maybe she keeps a report about me that you all read.” Kara couldn’t help wincing at that as she clenched her teeth, especially at how true his words were. She had been keeping a report about him, informing her superiors weekly. And she told them everything that she thought could help in their investigation, no matter how personal it had been.

She regretted all of that now, especially seeing how much it shook Mon-El, how much her lie hurt him.

“Ouch.” It didn’t help that Winn whispered that right after Mon-El’s words. Kara shot him a glare before she turned back to the interrogation room.

It also didn’t help that Alex completely chose to ignore what Mon-El said as she straightened up and leaned forward. “Did she tell you where it is? Or do you know any place she might’ve taken it?” Mon-El only snorted and shook his head at that.

“Yeah, no. Lena rarely trusted me with her secrets, especially if she didn’t want them to get out.” Bitterness was dripping from his voice as his shoulders slumped. He pressed his lips together. “It seems like you’ve only wasted your time with me.”

 _It wasn’t even close to being a waste of time._ The thought seeped into Kara’s mind without her intention, yet she couldn’t even deny how true it was. The time she had with Mon-El… As fake as it had been, they were some of the best months of her life. And the happy memories she had with him… She would always cherish them, no matter what happened after this.

“I don’t believe that,” Alex insisted, making Kara actually flinch. She knew how insistent her sister got with interrogations sometimes…and it seemed like this was one of those moments. “You were best friends, Mon-El. There must be something that you can tell me. _Anything._ ” Mon-El clenched his fists.

“Well, there isn’t.” There was only one second of silence before Alex continued with a shake of her head.

“Did she tell you anything at your last phone call that could have something to do with the bioweapon?”

“No, as I’ve said, she’d never tell me anything about it. She sounded just like her usual self.” Even after Mon-El said that, his voice deadpanned and serious, Alex kept up her interrogation.

“Did she mention Luthor Corp? Or Lillian?”

“No, not other than the fact that she quit. Alex—“

“Did she tell you anything suspicious?” Alex kept insisting, leaning forward, her hands pressed tightly over the table. Kara felt herself tense as Mon-El tried to cut in.

“Not that I remember. Lena is a good actor—“

“Did she give you anything that could be the bioweapon? Or did she mention anything like that?”

“No, Alex—“

“Come on, Mon-El, there must be something that you can give me—“

“Well, there isn’t!” Mon-El exploded at that finally, slamming his hands on the table and standing up. His chair rocked back briefly at the sudden movement that caused Kara to jump back, and even Winn muttered a curse under his breath. “Whether you want to believe me or not, I have nothing to do with the bioweapon, Alex. I’m not lying about that.” Silence stretched in the room for a couple of seconds after Mon-El’s breathless words as Alex just stared at him. Kara hadn’t even realized she was holding her breath until her sister started talking.

“But you knew Lena,” she said slowly, almost too calmly. And that was the final straw for Kara as she stepped forward towards the control panel, pressing a button that allowed her to talk to the room. “You can’t tell me—“

“That’s enough, Alex.” She took a deep breath as she watched both Alex and Mon-El’s reactions, though her eyes were on the latter. His shoulders tensed substantially when he heard his voice and he looked up, his face twisting with pain and vulnerability for one second as he was caught off guard. Kara shut her eyes and gulped before she continued. “I’ll take over from here,” she told Alex, trying not to think about whether it was a smart idea or not, before she removed her hand from the button. She didn’t dare glance at Winn or Alex as she moved to exit the control room.

Yet she appreciated when her best friend gave her shoulder a supportive squeeze before she left.

She took a deep breath before pushing open the door of the interrogation room, her eyes finding Mon-El’s almost immediately. He was staring at her with those steel grey eyes of his, which looked almost blue with his unshed tears and the dim lighting of the room, so wide and surprised that she was rooted in her place for a couple of second. She told herself to breathe, to just _breathe_ as she entered the room, not being able to turn her eyes away from Mon-El. And for once she felt truly glad that all the undercover missions she’d been in gained her a lot of experience in acting. Still, that hadn’t exactly taught her how to slow down her pounding heart or ignore the guilt churning in her stomach.

She forced herself to turn to Alex only when her sister stood up. Concern were shining in her eyes too as she walked to Kara and took her arm.

“Kara, are you sure about this?” she asked with a low whisper, yet her eyes showed more than just concern. Through them she was asking Kara whether it was a good idea to talk to her asset after what happened, or if she was okay with this, or…if her feelings could compromise her work or not.

Kara only nodded without turning to Mon-El, needing to keep her thoughts together for a couple of seconds more.

“Yeah. Trust me.” She squeezed her sister’s arm and flashed her a smile that she so hoped looked genuine. Alex checked Kara’s face at that, staying for one more second before she left, yet still Kara knew that her sister wasn’t totally okay with this.

She forgot all about it when she turned to Mon-El once more, who was watching her with pain and betrayal shining in his eyes. He still hadn’t sat down. And Kara was glad she took some time to pull herself together, because she could already feel herself break down as she took a step toward the table, and even her training in keeping her emotions together didn’t help her. She had to lean on the table with her hand to keep herself from falling down.

It didn’t really help that Mon-El still hadn’t turned away from her.

She forced herself to clear her throat and ignored her heart that had started to slam against her ribs. “Why don’t we sit down?” she suggested with a small smile that she _knew_ looked pained as she gestured at the chairs. Mon-El didn’t answer for a second before he finally snapped out of his stupor and nodded. Kara could almost hear him swallowing hard.

The very uncomfortable and very awkward silence stretched between them as they took their seats. Kara’s shoulders were so tense that she was afraid she could break any second, and she could see that Mon-El wasn’t in a different situation. He was the one that broke the silence before she could even find something to say.

“So are you gonna try to use your charm to get me to spill the beans about…whatever you think I know about Lena?” His voice shook at those words despite his attempts to keep himself together, yet with the tears welling up in his eyes, with the ways his hands were shaking… It was impressive that he was still holding on. Kara could feel her heart break in her chest at that as she cleared her throat.

“No,” she said, and she was honest. That wasn’t why she stopped Alex’s interrogation. Her sister had gone too far, and not only that, it was very obvious to her that Mon-El really didn’t know anything about the bioweapon. She shook her head. “I know you were honest when you said you didn’t know anything. I trust you.” She was pretty sure Mon-El would’ve snorted at that if he wasn’t so shaken. She cleared her throat, leaning forward to rest her elbows on the table. “I came because…because I think we need to talk.” She had no idea those words would be so hard to say. But she also hadn’t considered the absolute heartbreak she’d see in Mon-El’s eyes, no matter how much he’d tried to hide it.

He really wasn’t a good liar.

“What can we talk about?” he asked, his voice cracking in the middle as his shoulders slumped. “We’ve established that e-everything we’ve been through was a…lie. I don’t think there is anything else to say.” He sounded so broken that Kara had to school her features to hide her grimace. She shook her head.

“I think there is,” she countered, her voice merely a whisper. She could barely look at him, shame churning in her stomach, before she gathered up her strength. “Because lie or not, you’ve been an amazing boyfriend, Mon-El.” She couldn’t keep her voice from shaking as she looked up. He almost seemed surprised at her words, something similar to hope shining in his eyes, before he shut himself off yet again. “And because of that you deserve my honesty.” This time, she flinched visibly when he snorted.

“Well, that’s nice of you,” he said sarcastically, yet there was no mistaking the pain behind his words. Especially since Kara knew humor was an outlet for him to ignore his pain. She tried to ignore his words as she continued.

“So you can ask me anything now, and I’ll be honest with you,” she promised, clasping her hands together on the table. It took a lot of strength to keep her gaze trained to Mon-El’s, yet she knew she had to do it so that he saw she wasn’t lying. So that he knew she was being honest.

Yet still, his next question hit her hard. “How can I know that I can trust you?” His fist was clenched on the table as he searched her face. It was obvious that he wanted to believe her, desperately almost, yet after what had happened… How could he? Even Kara could admit that she would have a hard time trusting herself when all she did was lie to him. She pressed her lips together as she shook her head, feeling herself deflate.

“You can’t,” she said honestly, her voice cracking mid-sentence. “You just have to do it.” Mon-El didn’t say anything at that at first, just watching her, before he blurted out the first question.

“Is caramel latte really your favorite coffee flavor?” he asked, causing Kara to lift her brows. He cleared her throat. “You said it was when we first met in the…in the café. Do you like it, or were you just…were you just flirting with me to get my attention?”

“Yes,” she found herself saying without even a second of hesitation before she shut her eyes. Yes, it was her favorite coffee flavor, but she’d promised Mon-El honesty, and…that wasn’t the whole story. “Yes, but you are also right. I used it to…to flirt with you. To get closer.” Her heart squeezed in her chest when something broke in his eyes at that. He tried to shake it off, to pretend like it was nothing, yet Kara could see it. He was hurting. He was hurting _so badly_ that it hurt _her,_ especially since she was the one that caused all of this.

She tried to ignore those thoughts as she focused on his next question. “What about that day that…that you brought me a second cup of coffee right before you closed up the coffee shop? You said that…that it seemed like I needed it after working for hours. Were you genuinely worried, or…” Kara couldn’t even say a word at that before understanding filled Mon-El’s eyes. He nodded as he looked at his hands briefly. “Of course, I should’ve known.”

“Mon-El…” Kara said, wanting so desperately to erase that hurt look from his face, yet he didn’t let her speak before he continued.

“A month after we met…” he said, straightening up. “You’d been… You’d been crying in front of the café when I came. You said that…that your boyfriend had cheated on you with your girlfriend. Was it…”

“No,” Kara had to admit with a low voice. It physically hurt to say the next words. “I…I used it to get you to feel bad for me. To get closer to you. I knew… I knew you would offer me to crash in your place for a couple of days.” She avoided his gaze to not see how much that had hurt him. Yet she knew it must be a lot; even his voice showed that with its shakiness as he said the next words.

“Did you have a boyfriend at least?” Kara just glanced up briefly before she shook her head. Mon-El didn’t say anything for a couple of seconds, so much so that she got tenser and tenser until she almost snapped. Luckily he continued then.

“And… And that night you came to my bed, saying that you had a nightmare about…about your family. About them dying in a…in a house fire. Were you telling the truth, or…”

“Yes, and…no,” Kara admitted. She pressed her lips together. “The part where my family died in a house fire… It was true. And… And everything else I told you about them. But…” She cleared her throat, hating herself to be crushing the small bit of hope that appeared in Mon-El’s eyes at that little honesty. “But I hadn’t actually had a nightmare. I just needed to…”

“To get closer to me,” Mon-El finished her sentence, his voice low. She could only nod as he continued. “To have an excuse to…to kiss me.” She swallowed hard and avoided his gaze, apologies lining her throat. She was sorry. She truly was sorry that she’d used him, manipulated him, because…because he didn’t deserve it. Not just that, but if she had a chance to have a do-over, she would never do any of that. She’d never manipulate him into thinking that all those moments he obviously cherished were true when she was just pretending in most of them. And she also wished that she could say they weren’t a lie, but…but she’d been undercover for months, and she only truly started caring about him in the last couple of weeks or so. Before then… Before then she was so focused on her mission that feelings weren’t really on her mind. She was just… _acting._ No matter how much she wished she wasn’t…she was.

“What about all those…movie nights?” he asked, his fingers drumming on the table. “Do you even like musicals or…or did you just choose them because I liked them?” Kara opened her mouth to say that no, she did love musicals, they were lyrical and fun and happy, yet the words died on her tongue. She cleared her throat.

“I didn’t like them,” she had to admit, hating herself to the guts when she saw his shoulders deflate at that. “But you changed my mind,” she offered as if it could change anything. “I enjoy them now, thanks to you.” The smile on her face felt so sour that it wasn’t so surprising Mon-El scoffed at that. He shut his eyes and took a deep breath, quickly wiping away a tear that was slipping down his cheeks with a shaky hand as if he didn’t want Kara to see it…yet she did. And it hit her hard, seeing him cry, when he always used to be so strong. She couldn’t even remember a time that she saw him truly cry, and now, she’d made him cry twice in a matter of minutes.

“The Washington trip,” he asked finally, reminding Kara of the short vacation they’d had in Washington right after Mon-El’s finals week. She closed her eyes to school her features when she realized what he was about to ask. “You said it was a gift for me. For successfully finishing my finals. Was it… Was it genuinely about that? Was it just a gift?” Kara could feel her own tears fill her eyes as she was forced to shake her head.

“I had to go to CIA headquarters there,” she whispered so quietly that she doubted Mon-El heard it. Yet from the way he avoided her gaze, wiping his cheeks again, she knew that he did. “So I used that to have a vacation with you, hoping…hoping it would get you to open up with me more.” This time she couldn’t help it as she leaned forward. “I am so sorry, Mon-El. For everything. I’m—“ She tried to hold his hand over the table, yet he yanked it back so quickly that she couldn’t even do anything other than blink. He shook his head, giving up on wiping his tears away. Kara saw them slowly sliding down his cheeks as he talked.

“Don’t a-apologize. I don’t want to hear you…apologize. Not after what you’ve done to me.” He swallowed hard, looking at his eyes, before he almost laughed. There was nothing humorless about it; it fact, it only made Kara cringe to hear that it was laced with pain. “I loved you, Kara,” he confessed, his voice hoarse yet without a bit of hesitation. She couldn’t find anything to say as he continued. “I loved being with you. I loved living with you, watching musicals with you, teaching you how to cook, paying you visits at that…that stupid café, cuddling with you under a blanket, kissing you… I loved all of them. So much so that I…I don’t know how to live without them, without you. But now…now you’re telling me that it was all nothing but a lie?” Kara opened her mouth to say that it wasn’t, that there were moments she truly enjoyed too, yet he didn’t let her speak. “Do you have any idea how much it hurts to know that I’ve loved you, that I still love you, with all my heart, when our relationship was a mission to you?” He searched her eyes briefly as she blinked, trying desperately to get rid of her tears and stop her vision from getting blurred. He said the next words slowly and quietly. “Because if you don’t… Then don’t apologize. It doesn’t mean anything.” Kara swore that her heart finally shattered to pieces at that, because a hollowness had settled in her chest, and not only that she could feel something cutting her insides, and despite her realism she didn’t know what else could hurt like that other than the shards of her heart.

“Mon-El,” she tried to say as she felt one tear escape her eyes, wanting to apologize again, wanting to tell him that it wasn’t all a lie, yet the words didn’t leave her mouth. Because saying them out loud meant she accepted them, and accepting them meant admitting her feelings were compromised. And if her feelings were compromised, she couldn’t perform her duties to her full capacity, and she would…she would need to be reassigned from this mission. She’d have to leave Mon-El, forever, and…

She didn’t know if she was ready for that.

Mon-El started speaking again before she could say anything anyway, saving her from having to make that decision.

“Was any of it real?” he almost croaked out, trying to speak over his tears. “Our love. Our…relationship. Was it all built on a lie, or was there something that was real?” He looked so desperate looking at her, almost shaking all over. She couldn’t say anything for a couple of seconds as she struggled to find the words, as she struggled with her own feelings and mind. She must’ve stayed silent for so long that he continued. “You promised to be honest,” he reminded her as he searched her face again.

The word left her mouth only a couple of seconds. “Yes,” she whispered as she nodded, gulping to get rid of the knot in her throat. “There was something real.” _I loved you too,_ she couldn’t help thinking, even though she couldn’t say the words. _I’d fell in love with you too._ Instead of talking she looked at Mon-El for a couple of seconds more, memorizing the lines of his face, how beautiful his eyes looked with tears in them, how…how kind, innocent, and beautiful he was, despite what he’d been through, despite getting his heart broken in the worst way. And then she pushed her chair away, stood up and left before he could say anything, before he could even pull himself together after her confession. Yet she couldn’t stay with him anymore, not when the more she stayed the more she’d want to stay, and it would be impossible to ask Director Henshaw to reassign her. And she had to get reassigned, because she loved Mon-El, _she loved him,_ and she couldn’t have that. She couldn’t let her feelings compromise her.

So despite her tears continuously flowing down her cheeks, she grabbed her phone the moment she got out of the room and speed-dialed Henshaw, trying her best to steady her voice before he answered.

“Henshaw.” His voice was cold and professional, as a director’s voice should be, as Kara cleared her throat.

“Director Henshaw, this is Agent Kara Danvers,” she introduced herself as she stopped a couple of steps away from the room, leaning against the wall to keep herself from falling down and completely breaking apart. Yet still, there was no stopping her tears or the pain that was churning in her stomach. “I have a favor to ask from you, regarding my mission with Mon-El Gand.”

“Yes, I’ve heard what happened,” Henshaw said at that, his voice even softening a bit. “Is there a problem?” Kara bit her lip, forcing her next words out, not even having it in her to be glad she sounded normal.

“Yes, I’ll… I think it’s best if I get reassigned to another mission.” She could almost feel Henshaw’s confusion even through the phone. She didn’t let him interrupt her as she continued, wiping her tears furiously. “I’m afraid…my connection to the asset and my feelings could compromise this mission.” Henshaw’s answer came a couple of seconds later, yet Kara felt relieved that he didn’t even question her decision, obviously hearing the severity of her situation from her voice.

“Yes, of course. I’ll deal with it immediately. Is there…anything else?” Kara shook her head, not trusting her voice, until she realized that she was on the phone and Henshaw couldn’t even see her. She cleared her throat.

“No, sir. Thank you very much.”

“I’ll be in touch,” Henshaw promised before ending the call, leaving Kara alone with her thoughts as she slid to the floor, pulling her knees close to her and wrapping her arms around them as the sobs that she’d been fighting ever since she left Mon-El’s room started leaving her mouth, shaking her to her core.


End file.
